Let's go back to the station-house and cornhole us a drunk

"Where did the blue skies go/And why is it raining so/It's so cold"

So yesterday I had a break down. That's right, I bought an umbrella. After managing a year and a half in New York without an umbrella, I've joined the ranks of the oblivious assholes who clog up the New York sidewalks on a daily basis. This doesn't make me a convert, just a hypocrite. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, let me explain. I am violently against the use of umbrellas in Manhattan. First of all, umbrellas generally serve almost no purpose in the city. Rain comes down almost horizontally, and with wind that strong they break after 3 uses. I would get such great pleasure walking down Broadway after a storm and seeing all of the lost battles sitting in the trash cans, mocking former users as they passed by. "You thought you could stay dry? You stupid schmuck," they seemed to say (yes, in New York even the umbrellas are Jewish). Second of all, when I have 7 minutes to get to class, and I'm already getting soaked by the horizontal rain, the last thing I need is to have my path blocked by a family of 4 from fucking Idaho (yeah that's right, you're still dead to me Idaho) with a net weight of 1300 lbs., lined up holding their oversized umbrellas with one hand while fumbling around in their fanny packs for their $2.99 recycled disposable cameras (the resulting crappy pictures from which they will undoubtedly blame on the people at the photo place) to take a picture of KMart, "Cause it's the one in New York." I think of myself as a considerate pedestrian, and as such I feel that it's my right to call these people out. There are nearly 2 million residents of Manhattan, not to mention all the people that commute to work and those that infest 42nd Street to point at the Chrysler Building and say things like, "C'mon honey, let's get a picture in front of the Empire State Building." If you're going to carry an umbrella, take a couple of seconds to think about your surroundings before you obliviously gouge out my eyes with your red-state tools of death. That being said, look for my $6.99 Walgreens umbrella on the corner of 9th and Broadway outside of HSBC in about 10 days. It will be the one with multiple stab wounds so the bastard can't mock me.

In other news, Comedy Central is on the ball these days. The Secret Stash is a wonderful idea. Tonight I finally got to see Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back unedited. First, I must acknowledge another work of brilliance from Kevin Smith. I almost choked on a lime Tostito at one point, and although that can apparently cause esophageal damage it would have been worth it, both for the hilarity of the movie and the wonderfulness of the lime Tostito. But more importantly, I'm wondering if this is a growing trend among the cable networks. Comedy Central has been putting on its Secret Stash for a while now, and I noticed that TBS is playing reruns of Mr. Show late at night with most of the language unedited. This is most definitely a forward step. If more cable channels can loosen up the stick that so many people seem to have up their asses, we won't have so many people protesting Eminem lyrics, and they can notice the fact that they're allowing their 13-year-old daughters to grow up as sluts. In England they allow anything on tv after 9 pm. While it is true that by 9:30, the majority of the British are asleep, those that view the gratuitous sex, violence, and cursing don't seem to be undergoing the same societal decay as the censorship-loving country that doesn't have a problem sticking The Surreal Life on in the middle of the day. If you think that Dave Coulier isn't going to fuck you up go talk to Alanis Morisette. Of all the issues that affect this country and this world, we focus on keeping kids from seeing naked bodies. To cite Dan and his brilliant quote of the night, "Maybe we wouldn't be blowing things up in Iraq if we had tits on tv." At least maybe we'd understand why people form militant groups to prevent their countries from being Westernized.

And finally, as I start to doze off in front of my computer, I just want to publicize some of the things I've been listening to lately. This of course means that you should be listening to them as well jackass. For starters, if anyone isn't familiar with "Take Your Mama Out" by the Scissor Sisters, you should shoot off your left testicle. If you're lacking a left testicle, then you should find the nearest testicular-possessing person and shoot of his or hers (hey, let's not discriminate against the she-males). This song is a brilliant display of 70s funk fit for the modern world. It will be in your head for days, and it will be good. Trust me. Aside from that, I've had my usual mix of randomness. However I've decided that "California Love" may just be the greatest rap song ever. Say what you want about Dre, Tupac, or rap in general, but if that beat doesn't get your ass shaking, well then you just don't have a soul Mr. Ashcroft. I've had the discussion about who I would want to produce my album if I was ever to become a rock star, and I think I would want some Dre input no matter what kind of music I was making. Could you imagine some sort of collaboration between Dre and Brian Eno? No that's right you can't because it would be so sick your eyes would explode mofo. Seriously though, it would be hard to imagine where hip-hop would be if Dr. Dre never made it big. You know that sketch on SNL with Grand Master Rap and Kid Shazaam? Yeah? It probably wouldn't be so funny. But that's another matter for another day. What does that mean, it means I'm gonna forget about it by tomorrow and never speak of it again.

I'm wrapping this piece up cuz I gots work to do tomorrow. No seriously, it's been a while since I posted, but it's gonna be even longer before I post again. Between now and Thanksgiving I have no time to write. But perhaps I'll get pissed off and find the need to procrastinate while writing one of the two papers I have to have done for Thursday, or maybe something hilariously tragic will happen in Boston next weekend that I'll just have to write about. The chances: not good. So if you read this and I don't see you until after the 25th, have a nice Thanksgiving. Unless you're from Idaho. In that case, I hope your eyebrows are burned off in a comical kitchen fire and your town's fire department is severely underfunded due to a Republican legislature. You're dead to me Idaho! Dead!

Alright, the meds are wearing off. It's time for me to go score some more codeine. Make some comments, and I'll be sure to ridicule them at some point.
Peace

P.S. When I did spell-check for this, the first suggestion that came up for 'cornhole' was 'Cornelia.' Cornelia, I doubt that you'll ever read this, but if you do, I'm sorry that I laughed as hard as I did when I saw that.

New Beginnings

"So I would say you've got a part/What's your part? Who you are/You are who? Who you are"

So in light of the unfortunate new beginning granted to George Bush, I'm granting one to myself- a new form of procrastination. That's right, as if I wasn't provided enough procrastination by the blogs of other people, I've decided to join the crowd. I doubt this will be updated very often, I'm very lazy, and I can't really describe myself as having a lot to say, but then again I can't describe many other people that way and they have blogs so dammitt why can't I?!?

Anyway, the one thing that should be on everyone else's mind right now is the election. I'm sure it's not- just because they talk about it for weeks in other countries, why should we think about it for more than one day? But I personally spent today walking around in a complete daze. Watching my fumbling through physics lab must have been like watching Hellen Keller do paint by numbers. That may seem harsh, but it's okay she's dead now. But getting back to the election, the daze I felt was from such a strong combination of emotions- anger, sadness, fear, confusion, disbelief. I think that the disbelief was the strongest. Among the college democrat population, it really seemed that we had done enough to give this election to Kerry. I remember being up at 5 am freshman year to stand outside "Good Morning America" in the freezing cold, and holding up 'John Kerry for President' posters. At that point Howard Dean wasn't really in the race and it just seemed that we would back any potential frontrunner if only to get someone in the White House. The path from that day in early 2003 to last night seems incomprehensible right now. So much work went into naught.

Now going back to those wonderful lyrics at the beginning of the post, the only possible way to get over this is to take the positives out of all of it. "So I would say you've got a part." What I kept hearing over and over again from NYU College Democrats, and the other hundreds of Democratic influentials who inundated my inbox every day because I was on the John Kerry e-mail list, was that we couldn't wake up November 3rd thinking "I wish I had done more." That is exactly what I felt watching the election last night, wishing there was just some way that we could get to Ohio and get another 100,000 Democrats to go vote. The one conclusion I made today was that I can't let this happen again. There was more that I could have done and I didn't. We can't rely on other people to do the job for us, we must take matters into our own hands (and no, I'm not saying kill the president Mr. Ashcroft). That being said, Howard Dean pointed out today that a Democratic governor was elected in Montana, a traditionally Republican state, and that statistically, more people voted against President Bush than any other sitting president in American history. Now we just need to work on the people voting for him.

But this is where my ultimate frustration comes in. The Daily Show tonight provided the best summary of the situation I've seen so far. The issues that Bush voters found most important were terrorism and 'moral issues' (i.e. not letting the homos marry). The issues that Kerry voters found most important were Iraq, the economy, and education. If you look at the breakdown, not only of red vs. blue states, but red vs. blue counties, this makes you wonder if the people in rural and small suburban areas, specifically across the midwest, are legally insane. Manhattan and Washington D.C., where the majority of deaths due to terrorism since the inception of this country have occurred, voted 87% and 90% respectively for Kerry. Idaho, where the majority of people are actually potatoes, voted 68% for Bush. This means that the people who are voting on the issue of terrorism are afraid that Osama Bin Laden has a personal vendetta against corn. As Ed Helms so profoundly stated, "They could attack Nebraska, home of Car-Henge, or South Dakota, home of the Corn Palace." And as for the "protection of marriage" issue- calm down; no one's gonna force you to go gay. I once heard a comedian say that men are homophobic because they are so easily deceived by tricky salesmen ("Here. just hold this guy's hand, see how it feels, walk around a bit, no pressure"). It's amazing that in a country based on freedom we have people so eager to enact a prohibitive law in favor of a law that allows choice. If the current laws forced you to take one up the back porch once a month or something I could see what all the fuss would be for, but America- get over yourselves! No one is going to try to get you to switch teams. Go back to shucking that corn.

So if anyone's made it to this point, congratulations, you have a stronger attention span than I do. I personally have visited 16 other websites just while writing this. Perhaps I'll update this soon, perhaps not- exams and social obligations lurk in the near future. If you come here, feel free to leave comments, whether I know you or not. If you don't come here, well I'm not gonna say that you did contract herpes from that dollar you found in the street, but only I know the truth- you're gonna be wishing you came here bitches. That last sentence proves that it's officially late and I should be writing a paper outline. Sleep tight and enjoy the morning. Every day brings us something new to deal with. Enjoy for now.