Is Wayne Brady Gonna Have To Choke a Bitch?
"Don't you think you oughtta rest/Don't you think you oughtta lay your head down/Don't you think you want to sleep/Don't you think you oughtta lay your head down, tonight"
So as promised, I've taken forever to update this piece. I've hit that double-edged sword known as Thanksgiving break. The problem with having five days off is that it's either too long or not long enough. After falling into a little bit of a routine, visiting friends, driving around aimlessly, and getting some stressful hours in at good old Walgreens, I just have no desire to get back to the grind of the last couple of weeks before finals. Case in point, I have a physics exam this Friday, which I really have not studied for. I brought home my books over the weekend and failed to even open that portion of my backpack the entire time I was home. My rationale was that I would work really hard starting Sunday night. So as I fell asleep Sunday night at 7 pm, I figured I would get up in a couple of hours and really hit the books. So of course my nap turned into me sleeping through physics lecture, the one class that I really needed to attend. Last night turned into finding a way to justify putting off my work that was due today into the small chunks I have between and after classes. Of course tonight I could really get down to business and get all my stuff together, right? No, of course not, I'm sitting in front of my computer listening to Yield and writing stuff that no one cares about. So here we go, maybe if I do this work will follow.
The most important issue of the day is the news that an important national figure, brought into our lives to protect us from the evils of the world, has stepped down. 'You mean Tom Ridge right?' Nah bitch, I'm talkin' bout motherfuckin' Ken Jennings and shit. Okay, I promise no more Bloodhound Gang references tonight, but if you've never heard that clip about Falco being a "gangbangin' thug that never seen it coming" or the one with Pac-man smoking crack, you have not lived my friend. Anyway, today was possibly the most emotional moment in Jeopardy history. There was a part of me that honestly thought that he would just step down at some point, retire as the undisputed Jeopardy champion and maybe come back every few months to teach the young punks a lesson. I taped the episode today because I knew he was going to lose and I knew that I was going to be eating dinner at 7. When I watched it afterward I still felt like Ken was going to pull it out. The lead started to build like always, but against all odds he blew not one, but two Daily Doubles. Most people never even get two Daily Doubles. And could anyone believe the gasp from the audience when they saw he got the Final Jeopardy question wrong. The slow realization that he lost was absolutely shocking. There really hasn't been anything like that in any other game or sport, at least not in a very long time. The most recent streaks I can remember have been in women's basketball and the NFL. The Huskies lost to Villanova, but it wasn't such a big deal and the Denver Broncos, I believe, went 13-0 before losing to Miami a couple of years ago. But 74 straight Jeopardy wins. Sure the college basketball streaks were long too, but those were teams and were spread over different seasons with new players coming in. This was one man, 74 straight grueling, record-shattering wins.
Okay so maybe I'm glorifying it a bit because I've always wanted to be on Jeopardy but the bastards never hold contestant searches on the east coast. Let's be honest. I watched Ken tonight on Letterman and I've seen him on Leno as well as the few minutes he got on each of the 75 shows. Anyone who met Ken Jennings before this incredible streak would have wanted nothing to do with him. The man is a Mormon computer programmer from Salt Lake City. He's the type of guy who keeps the one jackass who still makes Hawaiian shirts in business. On top of that he's a know-it-all. But because of Jeopardy he's suddenly a cult hero. Again, a little bitterness. But I think we should all be honest with ourselves. Recognize that what he did was amazing and deserving of some massive respect, but also recognize that if you went to high school with Ken Jennings you would have given him a wedgie and stuffed him in a locker. That being said, Ken we will miss you dearly.
Before going on to other things, a side note before I forget. During my trip to Boston last weekend, a discovery was made. Believe me, you really don't want to know how or why the discovery was made, so just accept it, and if you don't believe me check for yourself. If you were to run a search for the term 'gaping cow vagina' on Google, you would find nothing. Okay perhaps a little background is needed. The phrase was used in a story about seeing a calf being born and as a result the need was expressed, most likely by me but let's not place blame here, to run a search for it. So I'm just throwing that out there. At least now, somewhere on the internet, the phrase 'gaping cow vagina' exists. Twice. There goes any shot at a future career in politics.
Speaking of smelly animals, my rant for the past couple of weeks that I originally intended to post here last week was about my experience with the crowd at the Eddie Izzard DVD signing. If anyone reading this is not familiar with the work of Eddie Izzard, you should stab yourself in the eye right now because you've been lying to yourself about your reasons for living. Not so easy is it? It's a natural instinct for your body to move out of the way. Alright instead of stabbing, you should go out and buy one of his four DVDs available in stores or check out his website which has a couple of other ones also for sale. Eddie Izzard is an absolute genius and I say this without any exaggeration whatsoever (it just took me about 15 tries to spell exaggeration and I'm still not sure if I got it right). Seriously, the man is brilliant and has a sense of humor unparalleled by anyone right now. His fans however, a different story. Now, I know many Eddie Izzard fans who are relatively normal people. The majority of the people at the signing were not.
I should give some background. Eddie released DVDs of his early shows a few weeks ago, and anyone who bought one of them could get into a Q & A session at Virgin, followed by a signing. The planning on the part of Virgin was not the best. Rather than limiting the number of people allowed into the Q & A as the signs had said, security took a rather lax attitude toward the scrutiny of those who entered. The result was several hundred people crammed into the small cafe area at the far side of the store. After the last question, rather than forming a single file line, a table was set up and the situation became a contest of who could push forward most efficiently. The signing started at about 7:15. At 8:45, I had moved approximately 18 inches forward. During this time I was able to observe many things. For some reason, the idea of a transvestite comedian in Greenwich Village seemed to attract every high school LGBT club in the tri-state area. Now obviously, I have nothing against lifestyles that others may consider alternative, and in fact I am very supportive of such things. That being said, I was reminded why, coming from high school into college, I had such a negative image of gay people. Let's define two words. Word number one: gay-of, relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward another of the same sex.
number two: annoying- causing vexation, irritating
Notice that the definitions really cannot be confused with one another. Yet the group of high school lesbians along with, to quote Dan, "the token weirdo fag," did not seem to realize this. Instead they continued to loudly argue with one another about insignificant issues while occasionally pausing to publicly display the fact that they were lesbians, inevitably doing something to cause token boy to giddily shriek.
This brings me to another point: the PDAs. Everyone says that they hate the public displays of affection, and yet people still commit them. So this is my plea to every couple out there: If you're in a tightly packed crowd of people, just calm your hormones for a little while and show some self-control. Honestly, no one wants to see how much you love your little smoochie-kins. I know you think they might, but believe me, you're wrong. This crowd was packed so tightly that I couldn't move my arms, and yet the couple directly next to me- as in physically touching me- managed to repeatedly pass kisses back and forth. I was standing next to the guy, and the girl was slightly ahead, so that every time she kissed him, her hair hit me in the face. Forget for a second how inconsiderate that is, it's not even romantic. "Ooh honey I love you so much, and the fact that this guy next to you is practically perspiring onto your shoulder makes you so much hotter." Seriously, grow up.
And finally in my lecture on crowd etiquette, personal hygiene. I know that people are busy and everything, but please, if you plan on standing in a crowded line for a long period of time, take a bloody shower. I'm sure that after a long day of class and work I didn't smell 'April fresh' while standing in that mass of humanity, but in a relative comparison, I was an English rose garden. The most frustrating of all was a man who I will refer to as 'greasy fat guy,' or GFG. Now, being someone who could benefit from losing about 30 pounds, I'm not one to make fun of size issues, but this guy took up the space of at least 3 people. Looking at him reminded me of Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, only taller, bald, and with skin issues that hinted at leprosy. This man was a large part (no pun intended) of the reason I waited so long to get to the front. In a situation such as this, it is the duty of every person in line to fill up any possible space in front of him or her so that the line continues to move, and the assholes who come in late can't sneak around the side and get in front of you. GFG apparently had the idea that his body was even bigger than it actually was, and decided that he needed 3-4 feet of space in front of him at all times. What I'm saying may sound insensitive- perhaps he just has some social issues and doesn't know how to act in crowds- but you didn't get stuck behind him at armpit level for 45 minutes. It smelled like GFG hadn't bathed for days, then, when he finally decided to do so, used dog crap instead of soap. After not moving for 45 minutes, I decided a sideways motion would be more efficient, or would at least get me away from the stench, and sure enough, once I got parallel to GFG, I managed to get to the front of the line in under 20 minutes.
So what have I learned from all this? The next time I'm in a public crowd I'm bringing a gas mask and a tazer. And if you're gonna be there with your significant other, well I'd recommend you work out your romantic needs beforehand.
Peace out.
So as promised, I've taken forever to update this piece. I've hit that double-edged sword known as Thanksgiving break. The problem with having five days off is that it's either too long or not long enough. After falling into a little bit of a routine, visiting friends, driving around aimlessly, and getting some stressful hours in at good old Walgreens, I just have no desire to get back to the grind of the last couple of weeks before finals. Case in point, I have a physics exam this Friday, which I really have not studied for. I brought home my books over the weekend and failed to even open that portion of my backpack the entire time I was home. My rationale was that I would work really hard starting Sunday night. So as I fell asleep Sunday night at 7 pm, I figured I would get up in a couple of hours and really hit the books. So of course my nap turned into me sleeping through physics lecture, the one class that I really needed to attend. Last night turned into finding a way to justify putting off my work that was due today into the small chunks I have between and after classes. Of course tonight I could really get down to business and get all my stuff together, right? No, of course not, I'm sitting in front of my computer listening to Yield and writing stuff that no one cares about. So here we go, maybe if I do this work will follow.
The most important issue of the day is the news that an important national figure, brought into our lives to protect us from the evils of the world, has stepped down. 'You mean Tom Ridge right?' Nah bitch, I'm talkin' bout motherfuckin' Ken Jennings and shit. Okay, I promise no more Bloodhound Gang references tonight, but if you've never heard that clip about Falco being a "gangbangin' thug that never seen it coming" or the one with Pac-man smoking crack, you have not lived my friend. Anyway, today was possibly the most emotional moment in Jeopardy history. There was a part of me that honestly thought that he would just step down at some point, retire as the undisputed Jeopardy champion and maybe come back every few months to teach the young punks a lesson. I taped the episode today because I knew he was going to lose and I knew that I was going to be eating dinner at 7. When I watched it afterward I still felt like Ken was going to pull it out. The lead started to build like always, but against all odds he blew not one, but two Daily Doubles. Most people never even get two Daily Doubles. And could anyone believe the gasp from the audience when they saw he got the Final Jeopardy question wrong. The slow realization that he lost was absolutely shocking. There really hasn't been anything like that in any other game or sport, at least not in a very long time. The most recent streaks I can remember have been in women's basketball and the NFL. The Huskies lost to Villanova, but it wasn't such a big deal and the Denver Broncos, I believe, went 13-0 before losing to Miami a couple of years ago. But 74 straight Jeopardy wins. Sure the college basketball streaks were long too, but those were teams and were spread over different seasons with new players coming in. This was one man, 74 straight grueling, record-shattering wins.
Okay so maybe I'm glorifying it a bit because I've always wanted to be on Jeopardy but the bastards never hold contestant searches on the east coast. Let's be honest. I watched Ken tonight on Letterman and I've seen him on Leno as well as the few minutes he got on each of the 75 shows. Anyone who met Ken Jennings before this incredible streak would have wanted nothing to do with him. The man is a Mormon computer programmer from Salt Lake City. He's the type of guy who keeps the one jackass who still makes Hawaiian shirts in business. On top of that he's a know-it-all. But because of Jeopardy he's suddenly a cult hero. Again, a little bitterness. But I think we should all be honest with ourselves. Recognize that what he did was amazing and deserving of some massive respect, but also recognize that if you went to high school with Ken Jennings you would have given him a wedgie and stuffed him in a locker. That being said, Ken we will miss you dearly.
Before going on to other things, a side note before I forget. During my trip to Boston last weekend, a discovery was made. Believe me, you really don't want to know how or why the discovery was made, so just accept it, and if you don't believe me check for yourself. If you were to run a search for the term 'gaping cow vagina' on Google, you would find nothing. Okay perhaps a little background is needed. The phrase was used in a story about seeing a calf being born and as a result the need was expressed, most likely by me but let's not place blame here, to run a search for it. So I'm just throwing that out there. At least now, somewhere on the internet, the phrase 'gaping cow vagina' exists. Twice. There goes any shot at a future career in politics.
Speaking of smelly animals, my rant for the past couple of weeks that I originally intended to post here last week was about my experience with the crowd at the Eddie Izzard DVD signing. If anyone reading this is not familiar with the work of Eddie Izzard, you should stab yourself in the eye right now because you've been lying to yourself about your reasons for living. Not so easy is it? It's a natural instinct for your body to move out of the way. Alright instead of stabbing, you should go out and buy one of his four DVDs available in stores or check out his website which has a couple of other ones also for sale. Eddie Izzard is an absolute genius and I say this without any exaggeration whatsoever (it just took me about 15 tries to spell exaggeration and I'm still not sure if I got it right). Seriously, the man is brilliant and has a sense of humor unparalleled by anyone right now. His fans however, a different story. Now, I know many Eddie Izzard fans who are relatively normal people. The majority of the people at the signing were not.
I should give some background. Eddie released DVDs of his early shows a few weeks ago, and anyone who bought one of them could get into a Q & A session at Virgin, followed by a signing. The planning on the part of Virgin was not the best. Rather than limiting the number of people allowed into the Q & A as the signs had said, security took a rather lax attitude toward the scrutiny of those who entered. The result was several hundred people crammed into the small cafe area at the far side of the store. After the last question, rather than forming a single file line, a table was set up and the situation became a contest of who could push forward most efficiently. The signing started at about 7:15. At 8:45, I had moved approximately 18 inches forward. During this time I was able to observe many things. For some reason, the idea of a transvestite comedian in Greenwich Village seemed to attract every high school LGBT club in the tri-state area. Now obviously, I have nothing against lifestyles that others may consider alternative, and in fact I am very supportive of such things. That being said, I was reminded why, coming from high school into college, I had such a negative image of gay people. Let's define two words. Word number one: gay-of, relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward another of the same sex.
number two: annoying- causing vexation, irritating
Notice that the definitions really cannot be confused with one another. Yet the group of high school lesbians along with, to quote Dan, "the token weirdo fag," did not seem to realize this. Instead they continued to loudly argue with one another about insignificant issues while occasionally pausing to publicly display the fact that they were lesbians, inevitably doing something to cause token boy to giddily shriek.
This brings me to another point: the PDAs. Everyone says that they hate the public displays of affection, and yet people still commit them. So this is my plea to every couple out there: If you're in a tightly packed crowd of people, just calm your hormones for a little while and show some self-control. Honestly, no one wants to see how much you love your little smoochie-kins. I know you think they might, but believe me, you're wrong. This crowd was packed so tightly that I couldn't move my arms, and yet the couple directly next to me- as in physically touching me- managed to repeatedly pass kisses back and forth. I was standing next to the guy, and the girl was slightly ahead, so that every time she kissed him, her hair hit me in the face. Forget for a second how inconsiderate that is, it's not even romantic. "Ooh honey I love you so much, and the fact that this guy next to you is practically perspiring onto your shoulder makes you so much hotter." Seriously, grow up.
And finally in my lecture on crowd etiquette, personal hygiene. I know that people are busy and everything, but please, if you plan on standing in a crowded line for a long period of time, take a bloody shower. I'm sure that after a long day of class and work I didn't smell 'April fresh' while standing in that mass of humanity, but in a relative comparison, I was an English rose garden. The most frustrating of all was a man who I will refer to as 'greasy fat guy,' or GFG. Now, being someone who could benefit from losing about 30 pounds, I'm not one to make fun of size issues, but this guy took up the space of at least 3 people. Looking at him reminded me of Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, only taller, bald, and with skin issues that hinted at leprosy. This man was a large part (no pun intended) of the reason I waited so long to get to the front. In a situation such as this, it is the duty of every person in line to fill up any possible space in front of him or her so that the line continues to move, and the assholes who come in late can't sneak around the side and get in front of you. GFG apparently had the idea that his body was even bigger than it actually was, and decided that he needed 3-4 feet of space in front of him at all times. What I'm saying may sound insensitive- perhaps he just has some social issues and doesn't know how to act in crowds- but you didn't get stuck behind him at armpit level for 45 minutes. It smelled like GFG hadn't bathed for days, then, when he finally decided to do so, used dog crap instead of soap. After not moving for 45 minutes, I decided a sideways motion would be more efficient, or would at least get me away from the stench, and sure enough, once I got parallel to GFG, I managed to get to the front of the line in under 20 minutes.
So what have I learned from all this? The next time I'm in a public crowd I'm bringing a gas mask and a tazer. And if you're gonna be there with your significant other, well I'd recommend you work out your romantic needs beforehand.
Peace out.
posted by Mike at 3:47 AM
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